Copyright 2021 Lady in the Blue Box Publishing, Rachel Beth Ahrens. All Rights Reserved. Reader Discretion is Advised. Plagiarize and there will be hell to pay. You know the rules.
Push play.
This is a hard one to write, guys. I'm sorry if this is a little bit emotional, especially since it's officially the holidays, but you have been warned. This is your trigger warning right now. You were warned.
I watched this with Alexander until we both cried. At the end, Alexander had tears in his eyes at the ready, I hit pause on the video, and I held him as a tear streamed down my face. I tried very, very hard not to cry, but there was no way to win this situation.
This was the kicker. Where the truth reared its head-
Definitely a reevaluation here. I've tried and tried to think and rethink it over, tried to get over my fears of being intimidated. It's over.
I believe everything he's said in this, I believe in the fans- Lin-Manuel Miranda is the bravest, smartest, and light hearted person that Hollywood and the small stage ever had. There is no question here, he's gentle, kind, warm, gracious- all because at the youngest age, he knew to be kind and empathetic to someone he's never met, because the truth finally popped out at four years old. He went to his first funeral for someone he loved when he was only a child- and that funeral was for a child, almost his age, who passed away.
:'(
That made me want to sob angry tears, right there. Right there. That was it.
He had been writing "Alabanza" and "It's Quiet Uptown" since he was a little boy. And because I lost a very dear friend at the respective ages of 16 (Alexandra Everhart, high school), 20 (Robbie Greenberger, lifelong friend from conventions), and 33 (Ashley Nevins, high school alum), and in the midst of all that, my dad, Bob Ahrens, who died at 59 years old when I was 32, and he never lived to see his 35th wedding anniversary with my mom, never lived to be 60 years old on September 3, 2021, he never got to see any of the new movies from the MCU, never got to see James Bond's 25th movie No Time To Die (which also made me hug my boyfriend very VERY tightly at the end, because- and I won't spoil it -the ending is a tearjerker and it doesn't end well), dad never got to see the Pixar movie Soul or Luca, never got to teach me to ride a bicycle without training wheels... Dad had tons of plans to see 2021- he wanted to carve a model of the Starship Enterprise from blocks of wood for the art auction at the next in person convention- Farpoint or Shore Leave 2022. He wanted to see me get married to Alexander. He wanted to run a Dungeons and Dragons (D&D we call it) campaign with his friends.
My dad NEVER wanted to die.
God said, "Time to go, Mr. Ahrens. It's time."
And I felt as if my dad constantly had this argument over and over and over with God since the day he passed on. "No! I'm not ready to die! I want my wife and daughter now!"
And it makes me want to cry a lot.
But the day I started writing this, was Thanksgiving. And in the morning, it officially became Black Friday, and there wasn't a way in hell I'm doing any shopping today. Ever. I don't shop on the busiest day of the year for businesses. Only on Small Business Saturday and the first week of December. Done.
Maybe no shopping that weekend until Cyber Monday. I didn't shop on Small Business Saturday either.
Also, to add serious insult to injury, I don't even own the Hamilton soundtrack except in MP3 digital format, and that's really the same case for Waitress as well. I've never seen a Broadway musical my whole life, except for all the times my dad performed in community theatre plays, same for me, because I used to be a junior amateur thespian actress. Those days are long gone, unfortunately, ever since dad was getting sicker every year until we found out my dad had a family history of colon cancer. And now I'm next to get a colonoscopy as early as 40 years old, or maybe I should get a colonoscopy tomorrow because I'm now 33.
It made me want to lose my mind that I started writing a song that went a little like this:
"Facebook says
Happy New Year
Another friend
Is getting married
Another friend
Is getting pregnant
Another friend
Had their second
child
Another friend has
passed away…
Double digits
Put things in
perspective
They say Happy New
Year
And I’m 33
I still feel 28
Larson’s screaming
at me
Stop the clock
Stopping the love
I don’t want to be
35
In 23
Feels like a trick
By illusionists
And what have you
done
In 33?
Whoops, backfire
You’re gone
I have nowhere to go but down!"
That's only just a cut from the song itself, and I saved it to some of my poetry collections that I'm still in the process of writing. I'm just not sure that it will see the light of day right now.
And unfortunately, I had forgotten I had written a song like that weeks ago. Problem was, it wasn't saved to a flash drive--I had written it by hand in a tiny little notebook. Huh. :/
Also, another update- The Hamilton coat is DONE, it's finished, I just made the final adjustments to it, it's ready. The dress is half done, please visit my Patreon when you get a chance: https://www.patreon.com/posts/59538513
Furthermore- My Instagram is now LIVE!!!! I got sick and tired of waiting for my new phone from Assurance Wireless to arrive, and now they're saying it is STILL on back order, even though I've told them countless times that this has taken me longer than two months to get a new phone. I'm a liner away from boycotting Assurance Wireless and especially T Mobile because they've done absolutely nothing for me in terms of getting a replacement for my current and beautiful 3G phone that I adore-- it has actual keys, buttons to press, no touchscreen. Sadly, Assurance Wireless has tried to cooperate with me, but they've basically done nothing for me. I want to give up on them, Alexander keeps telling me not to. Rrrrrrrr.
My Instagram is now @rachelthefairecrochet. It will be for my crochet designs ONLY, no writings will be posted on IG. I am letting the beautiful Twittervale be my writing haven, and Instagram is the world for crochet, especially since that's the place for photos to be shared, and Twitter is all about writings. Twitter has #WritingCommunity, Instagram has #crochetersofinstagram. See what I mean?
So far, I've posted ten new pictures on Instagram and I'm getting likes on them. I can't wait to see what it looks like in a couple of days... Hmmm.... :D
But I was absolutely shocked to find an old photo from a year ago, back in 2019 when dad was being treated for cancer, where the New Year was coming, it was almost 2020, and I made this beautiful cloche in a DAY:
G'morning, G'night! gave me reason to hope again. So did the book's author.
Mr. Miranda, I hope with all my heart that you win Best Director and become an EGOT.
At the same time, I'm still really scared and intimidated by this as well. Nevertheless, you gave us all hope in this time, with Vivo, Tick, Tick... Boom, Hamilton, In the Heights, Freestyle Love Supreme coming back, Disney's Encanto, the most requested soundtrack to Moana, it truly was a bit of a year for you in 2021.
Oh god, do I have to say it- I just need a break. I gotta go to New York even if it kills me. I've heard all the beautiful things about it. I need to see it. And I'm entirely broke.
Please support me on Patreon! Every dollar goes to helping me build my costumes, provide me meals to keep supporting myself and my mom, who is the only family I have left, and you're also helping me get to New York someday. I don't know when we're going to NY, but I really hope it's either in 2022 or 23. Either way, everyone wins. I'm also taking commissions, and I plan on giving back once I can stand on my own two feet. I really need to survive right now, but I want to LIVE.
Every night before I fall asleep, I keep telling myself a quote from Panic! At the Disco's song "Ready To Go (Get Me Out Of My Mind)"-
I'm ready to LIVE.
I need to recite that every night now.
And now it's almost 4 in the morning again. I need sleep.
Everyone deserves love. I'm ready to live. Not going to get a migraine this time. Night.
I'm ready to live.
-The Lady in the Blue Box
Playlist selection- A song I'm choosing for the next group meeting with my sweetie Alexander and his friends, for the instrumental Christmas music night in January.
This is one of my favorite versions of a holiday classic song. My all time favorite is performed by Straight No Chaser, but the first time I heard this one was in an episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, created by the same guy who made The West Wing, Lin-Manuel Miranda's favorite show that inspired his idea for Hamilton, as well as the Ron Chernow biography. Aaron Sorkin did a terrific job with Studio 60, especially for the Christmas episode in 2006, which was the tragic year New Orleans was devastated by Hurricane Katrina. This jazz trumpet version of "O Holy Night" was performed for the Tipitinas Foundation, led by New Orleans jazz musicians, to help rebuild New Orleans and give struggling musicians in Louisiana meals and new homes after the natural disaster.
Troy Andrews is not only good at the trombone, hence his stage name Trombone Shorty, he can really rip up a beautiful trumpet solo. :)
Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas.
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