For Lin-Manuel Miranda
Care of 4768 Broadway Unit 743
New York, NY 10034
(from the website to send fan mail)
Revised over the weekend, time stamped by USPS on March 8, 2021, my first night on Vraylar.
Inscription on a Post-It note advised that I did not expect anything in return. I doubt this ever reached his hands, or most likely, I think it might be the fact that it got lost in the mail.
The youngest woman
To ever address a
new President
The newest Leader-
Wrote
“There is always
light,
If only we are
brave enough to see it
If only we’re
brave enough to BE it.”
I am a ruthless
coward
Who heard those
words
And didn’t act
Didn’t rise up for
herself
She kicked herself
when she’s down
Wishing she never
heard of cancer
Wishing she never
heard of heart disease
And asthma
Her momma done
told her
When she was in
training wheels
Cancer won’t kill
that man,
Either his heart
or his lungs will
He got cancer
He killed his
cancer
And he got
stronger
He voted for the
damned Nazi president
To be removed from
office
To let a New
Leader the 46
Take his place
And he shouted “GO
JOE!”
And seven hours
before midnight
As the final day
of December died
The last father of
the family
Had fallen because
of his heart
Caused by an Act
of God
And now I blame
God
For killing my
Iron Man loving father
“I love you 3000”
And they say
perhaps
Hope and history
will rhyme
But I see no rhyming
now
I’m still waiting
in line
I have my ticket
number
Number six million
Seven hundred and
twenty five thousand
Eight hundred
Ninety six
The line has
looped around
The State of
Maryland
All the way out to
Pennsylvania
And I’m standing
in between
Sparks and
Cockeysville on the borderline
Waiting impatiently
For the pharmacist
in D.C.
To hand me the one
needle in the arm
Protection against
C O V I D 19
While the older
people
And the chronically
ill
And the doctors,
nurses, pharmacists,
And even the
therapists
Get their federal
law enforced medicine
But I’m in the
back of the line.
32 years old
Is still too young
Bipolar,
agoraphobia, and TMJ-migraines
Is not enough
reason
For preexisting
conditions
Hazardous enough
To get the vaccine
And younger folk
are calling me
An old cranky hag
with a cane
And a hunchback
When I’ve got red
hair from my mother
Blue eyes from my deceased
dad
And I never had
The opportunity to
get the words out
On New Year’s Day
2020
When I said,
“This will be my
year:
I’ll definitely
graduate with my Associate’s
And get a job
faster than you can say…”
And the virus shut
me the hell up
And LIFE told me,
“Rachel, STAY DOWN-
GIVE UP
OR DIE.”
Dropped out of
school in 2021
When my father
died
My disability
support counselor,
My only neighbor,
my only job coach,
Is about to get furloughed
and has to move away
Two agents
rejected my hopeful novel
That took me sixteen
months to write
About suicide prevention
Told from the eyes
of a restless angel in Heaven
Right now, nobody
wants to read about
Mental illness
during Corona Virus
Losing family,
losing homes,
Superheroes disguised
as successful
Self help authors of
color
No one wants a fiction
novel about Louise Hay
Combined with Brene
Brown and Oprah
Teaching a stupid
white girl
To love herself
When she’s an incurable
pessimist
White chicks are
easy targets
And they deserve
nothing but failure
And torture
But then I see a
young lady
Woman of color
Used to have a
speech impediment
Graduate of an Ivy
League college
Standing at the
podium
At Capitol Hill
Her arms rising
and falling gracefully
As she calls on
her people to hope and praise
She’s more
beautiful than I’ve ever seen
That will never be
me-
I know I deserve
no credit
I am not entitled
Baltimore morons
are too much entitled
But they deserve
nothing
I am no exception to
this rule
But if I were to
Listen to that
song again
We’re not lucky to
be alive right now
I see damage,
torture, pain
I long for Sara Bareilles’s
voice
To comfort me in
depression and anxiety
For she is gone
but she used to be MINE!
I feel that the
heroes like Black Panther and Cap
Are dead
And they won’t return
To save my life
No matter how hard
I scream myself awake
Every night
Because I have no
more dreams,
I only nightmare
and night terror every morning
And that’s why I’m
scared to sleep
An addiction to
insomnia
I can’t defeat
My mom is there next
to me
Holding my hand
Alexander calls my
phone with bad news
His grandmother
passed away of dementia
And I need him in
my arms
And it might be
enough and it’s not
He says it’s
enough for him to just love me
And pay for
everything himself
But not me
I’d be the worst
housewife in history
I need to leave
the house, read, write,
Crochet, and know
things
And learn things
I want to sing at
karaoke or on stage
But even prettier
women are bigger stars
Than me:
Estelle, Katy, Meghan,
Alicia, Kelly
I don’t have a chance
to make a mark
In hell
I hate the fame
anyway,
Put the paparazzi
stalkers in jail
And that is why I
have a grudge for the fame
The rich inherit
what the poor never win
That’s why I’m
scared to write letters to the fame-
I have a stigma
that you’re sinister, and I hate it
Because I’m shy,
timid, listless, mute
And tongue tied
In front of a
celebrity, Rain Pryor to name one
I saw her face at
karaoke, I went bawk bawk
Looked like a fool,
shut up and ran away
I don’t talk to
famous people anymore
Without public
consent
Of a regional or
local sci fi convention
And even those
guys are not A-list
Most of the time
My rhyming’s all
wrong
Broken up all over
the damn place
Make me shut up- I’m
getting ahead of myself
Quote P!nk for me
And don’t let me
get me!
I only wrote this
poem for you
Just to say
You inspire
Although I’ve
never been to NY
I’ve never seen
the lights of Broadway
In person
I’ve never really
seen a professional
Musical show
Not even seen the box
office of
The Hippodrome
I’ve seen only
musicals in the movies
But I’m in too
much poverty
To get Disney + or
HBO
I’m dying to see
In The Heights-
Anthony Ramos is
cute,
But Daveed Diggs
is sexier
But there’s only
one man in the world
Who has my heart
MY Alexander
He’s a Perfect 10,
my lover man,
My knight, my
prince,
The love of my
life
Who saved me from
my emotional dis-ease
Soothed me after a
panic attack
Fed me herbal tea
on a migraine day
Massaged the pain
in my shoulders
And called himself
the Colonel Brandon
In my Sense and
Sensibility Marianne story
Gave me hope
When history didn’t
rhyme or give a reason
Like my new
favorite Irish poet and
Citizen of the
green paradise country of my ancestors
Quoted
By
You
On Inauguration
Day
My dear,
You have bent
music tradition
To your will
I sang a song from
a Disney movie you did
With Mary Poppins
Singing “smiling from
a star that she makes glow”
At my dad’s
funeral
When barely
anybody showed up
Almost no one
mourned my father’s loss
Because to them
Maryland is too far away
And for COVID
reasons too
And the hardest
worst part is
Dad wasn’t ready
to meet God
He promised us he
had more time
To be a Dungeon
Master of D&D
To go to the cons
with me
To see Bond 25 No
Time to Die
Teach me how to
ride a bike
And see me get
married to the love of my life
As father of the
princess bride
He had so many
plans
He had no will and
testament
He gave us no
instructions for his remains
Or final wishes
But God said to
daddy
“Time’s up,
Robert, get over it,
You’re coming with
Me, or I’ll drag you”
While the doctors
did everything they could
To save him, and I
don’t blame them anymore
Doctors are our
friends
Everyone is meant
to be loved
Native American,
European, bisexual,
Black, Latino,
Asian, lesbian, transgender,
Gender nonconforming
too
They’re humans too
and they should be loved
“Helpless” is my
favorite song on the soundtrack
“Cheering For Me
Now” has the most plays
On my iTunes
But “96,000” is my
jam
Because everybody’s
got-to DREAM
Somehow, I stopped
dreaming a while ago
Maryland may be my
birthplace
But I don’t have a
real home yet
Just a nomad with
no home and no haven
They took my
beautiful fireplace library
And my honors
student lounge away from me
Before the virus,
you could sing
And share a laugh with
your buddies
Now you stay home
And keep the
laughs
To yourself
And when you cry
And need somebody
to give you a hug
Or emotional Heimlich,
Nobody will come
within
Six feet/ two meters
And six degrees of
separation from you
And they wear masks
So you can’t feel
them actually kiss your cheeks
And for several
weeks
You’re scared to
kiss the one you love
After you met them
despite the hatred
Of an online
dating site before the
First time your dad
tests negative
But then the
Incubis song came on
Said hold the
wheel and drive
Don’t let the fear
steer the car
And Alexander said
“Just take the leap”
You stand up and
untie the bandanna
You reveal your
porcelain face
And your beautiful
Princess Ariel
Part of Your World
tank top
On a hot summer
day
He takes your hand
And you take the
first plunge
Smitten for life in
less than ten months of dating-
Thank you
For despite my
prejudice of rap music
Your G’mornings
and G’nights
Saved me from myself
And I read them every night
Hello, hero.
Welcome to 2020ne.
Slainte,
endeavors, te quiero.
Love, Rachel Beth
Ahrens of Nottingham, Maryland
Written March 3,
2021
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