Originally published January 17, 2021.
Two days after my dad passed away.
This was my very last post I ever wrote on WordPress before WordPress forced me to conform to their disgusting wishes. Sorry, I don't want to adjust to your new "easy and efficient" way to do my dashboard. I am not a smartphone person, I like computers better! Death to technology!!!! What happened to physical newspapers, huh?
Oh well. Nobody likes my ideas.
Copyright 2021 Lady in the Blue Box Publishing, written by Rachel Beth Ahrens, that's me, Bob Ahrens's daughter and "Rachel the Faire" to the Boogie Knights. All Rights Reserved.
Trigger warning: explicit emotional content. Reader discretion is advised.
Especially dad’s friends from all the conventions. You have been warned.
Note: This is a cross between an obituary and a eulogy that I didn’t get to say at the memorial service on January 15, 2021. A lot of this is pure, raw emotion and should not be taken seriously. I’ve been in a huge, sickly depression for about an entire month now, since December 30th. This eulogy I’ve been preparing since the dawn of Corona Virus, but hoping I’d never use it, because I hoped my dad would live to see his 60th birthday. Instead, I’ve been revising it constantly since New Year’s Eve, 2020. You will understand when you get to the end of this post.
Also, I’ve done it in letter format, as a letter to my father, my universe, my spirit, my sense of humor, the man who gave me his crystal blue eyes and a love for acting, theatre, movies, and science fiction.
This is why I’ve been gone from WordPress for over a month now, and I’m planning on taking a big sabbatical from blogging indefinitely until further notice.
My father passed away. My universe is dead and the world is flat.
Too simple. Too fair.
Here is my eulogy, never used at the White Marsh Baptist Church service, revised January 17, 2021:
Dear dad,
I’m sorry I have been such a failure as a daughter to you. I never learned how to ride a bike without training wheels on my own. I never learned how to drive. I never made you proud by moving out of the house and flying the nest with some roommates or my boyfriend. I will never be able to give you a son in law or grandchildren because you will never see them with your own eyes.
I was a failure before you left this world and I’m still a failure now. I know you hate hearing me say those words, but it’s true. Look at your daughter right now and see how much the system has failed her and told her she’s damaged goods, your wife too. I can’t give you the legacy you want. My plans are dead, because you planned on helping me with them, and God destroyed you before we could finally get started in the new year.
I will never have a wedding because you won’t be there to walk me down the aisle, or sing Don Henley’s “For My Wedding”, or dance with me at the reception, just like you promised you would never. Because you said, “Watch me, Rachel, I’m going to die, there’s nothing you can do that will stop me. This dream of your daddy walking you down the aisle is never going to happen! Get used to it!” And I’m so sorry that you were right and you are never going to be alive to see your daughter marry the love of her life. I am still living in a fantasy, as much as I scream to the world that I’m not a Mary Sue and that Prince Charming and Mr. Right are dead, that some people have to be doomed to walk this world alone.
I miss the times you and I quoted Monty Python, the Iron Man movies, and Muppet Treasure Island. I miss watching Tiny Toons and Tazmania and Animaniacs when I was still in Pull Ups. I’ve always hated your tickles, sorry about that. Anthony used to do a much better job. But I loved it when you told the joke about you being the Dread Pirate Robert from Princess Bride towards the end of your life when you lost your leg.
Mom always thought you were going to outlive her, that she’d rather die first than lose her husband. She always said she could handle a leg amputation on her own, if she had one. But for the two of us to watch our husband and daddy lose his leg and lose part of his colon to be replaced with a prosthetic and a colostomy bag in a single year? And then when things were getting incredibly better, at the end of Christmas and the beginning of the New Year- and dad, you should have seen Inauguration Day when Biden is sworn in, and you should be screaming about how these asshole people are storming the Capitol waving Confederate and Nazi flags, which prompted Congress to force a second impeachment of the president- The doctors had to give you a battery of tests in the last days of 2020, then give you surgery on New Year’s Day, and when the surgery went perfectly- God had to give you a heart attack and KILL YOU in front of me and mom???
You had plans! You wanted to be a dungeon master of a D&D game! You wanted to go to a convention with me, at Shore Leave, and take me to see Alex Kingston, River Song herself, in person! You wanted to see the end of this horrible epidemic! You tested negative for Corona Virus TWICE and you had no cancer left for a whole year- you were more than ready to get back to living a happy life with us! And God said He had better plans to murder you instead??? I am deeply offended by your loss. I wish I could hug you and cry in your arms while you cry with me. But now I have you in my dreams.
I am so angry at God, I have been since 2015, and you know that. I think God killed you and Jesus is laughing in my face, saying, “Ha ha! We got him! Now you’re going to suffer!” But my mom keeps telling me that it’s the wrong frame of mind, that God and Christ are the opposite of the Devil, that the Devil is Hate and God is Love. But I really thought that you were going to make it to my CCBC graduation this year, you promised me you would. In your absence, I now plan to drop out of school because nobody is going to help me pay for college, not even grandma, not you as a cosigner, and nobody wants to give me a job- My last job coach said I’m unhirable. Mom says that the phrase “only the good die young” is stupid and pathetic, and she now believes that “only the happy die young”… she thinks…
But I don’t know, Louise Hay was an extroardinarily happy happy person, for she wrote You Can Heal Your Life and found the entire meaning to everything before she was in her 50s. She died when she was 90, and she was a cancer survivor, and she believed in positive thinking and self healing through affirmations and self love. Get a load of this too- Betty White is 99 years old today, January 17, 2021, and she’s the happiest we’ve ever seen her. You and mom always loved her and her witty, sharp sense of humor.
You were 59 years old when you died, and you were a truly happy soul, everybody knew it. 59 to me is still young, much younger than Poppi. I swore on my life I can’t afford to lose you, especially mom. I’m losing it. The headaches are starting to get worse, daddy.
Momma Julie misses you. She won’t stop crying, every day she’s in misery. She kept telling me every morning while you were in that disgusting nursing home that everything’s going to be ok. But then mom would come home every night, being close to tears, and she would make me scream and cry for the neighborhood to hear. Mom was also convinced that cancer, diabetes, his lungs, or his heart was going to kill him. We had to change our diets. Mom had to give up her living room sanctuary for you, to give you a place to sleep that was on the same level as the kitchen, for your wheelchair. But we just couldn’t tell you because you were just too scared to die, and you said you weren’t ready. That’s how our baby puppy D’Artagnon felt when the vets told us he was going to die that Valentine’s Day and he needed to be euthanized to go in peace. We had to sell our house, not because of the money, dad, it wasn’t because we couldn’t afford it, it was because living in that house would have killed you faster. Leading up to your memorial service on January 15, 2021, and you probably know why mom chose that date- because June 15 was the day of your first date with mom, and it was also the day of your wedding, and Father’s Day too- mom and I were crying and screaming almost every day. You would have been married to my mom for 35 years in June this year. Now my mom is a widow. Mom is not on speaking terms with any of your friends, especially Eric, because Eric broke your computer which now mom has lost all of your passwords and can’t remember the PIN numbers to your bank accounts, and she thinks your friends are now going to take advantage of her in a big way. She thinks all of your friends still HATE her, and that’s why she won’t go to conventions anymore, hasn’t gone for over 10 years.
Mom will never find another man like you. I’m never going to have another father. Anthony’s parents hate me, especially his dad, Carmel Bonvegna is a stranger to me and I will never understand the way he loves his only son. Since I broke up with Anthony for other reasons I can’t disclose, I thought I’d never trust another man ever again, until I met Alexander. Alexander, and I’ve already told him, is the love of my life, and he still wants your blessing to date and eventually marry me in a few years. He wants your permission, and he’ll never get it because you’re gone, daddy. Alexander doesn’t have a father either- his dad died when he was 20 years younger than you- 39, and Alexander was only five years old. Neither of us have a father figure, and no, I can never trust my Uncle Mark or your Uncle Gary, I can’t physically do that. I’m never getting married, no matter how many times Alexander says it will be fine and he’ll find a replacement father of the bride to walk me down and dance with me, but nobody can sing Don Henley’s “For My Wedding” better than you, and that is what I wanted for my ceremony. I don’t even want to elope in a fucking courthouse- a city or county courtroom is where people go to jail, get sued, or get divorced- I’d rather die than get married in the same place I had to see a judge when I got hit by a car. No one is going to walk me down the aisle, no one is going to dance the father daughter dance with me, because you’re not here, daddy.
My mom is most likely going to die next because she can’t live without you. Even though she wants me to be independent and positive and self-sufficient, I can’t bear to think of my mom living alone all by herself with nobody to take care of her. No matter how much Alexander is begging me to go live with him, I can’t stand to think about my mom living by herself with nobody to help her. I can’t move to Havre De Grace on my own and leave the nest- mom can’t live by herself. My mom has no family and no friends. We’re not allowed to live with my grandmother because she just doesn’t care about anyone but herself. She got mom a Christmas card and a box of new masks for Christmas, and she got me nothing. She asked me at the memorial service if I got the new mask she got me in the mail, I had no idea what she was talking about. You and I both know my grandma is an idiot, I agree. My grandma looks at me and judges me like I’m a Heathen Satanist child. And my other grandparents are there in Heaven with you, and they’re taking really good care of you, you and your sister Tracy. So when mom is finally united with you in Heaven, I will be alone, with no one to take care of me, and I have no means to take care of myself because I can’t drive and I can’t get a job yet because of my disability. I have no money to buy my own apartment, let alone pay my share for Alexander’s apartment.
There will never be another Christmas and not another birthday ever again without you here. I’m never going to another convention because that was a thing we used to do, father and daughter, and all of your friends hate mom, sorry to say, dad, it’s true and you’re wrong- Lance, Dave, Dan, Sharon, Eric, Cathy, everybody from the cons hates my mom and they love you more, and that’s why she doesn’t want to show her face there ever again. They think my mom has NO goddamn right to be emotional and she should be a fucking robot instead of feeling grief and depression on losing her husband- her parents divorced on Christmas when she was a CHILD and she’s a WIDOW now, which is a first for all of your friends and everyone living in your generation who matters to you in the present day.
Dad, you were my Yondu Udonta. I’m scared I will never get another you back. I can’t stand to see my mother alone without you, I’m the only sister, best friend, and family she has. And without both of you, I am nothing.
You were my universe, my planet out in space. Now my universe is demolished and the world is flat. And I’ve totally lost the ability to dream big. All I get now are nightmares.
Daddy, I want you back. I love you three thousand. Please get some sleep. Take a shower, you need one. Sing with the karaoke angels Howie, Hal and John. Get back into theatre and community plays wherever you are in the universe. Sleep well, our angel, and be the love that you are.
I miss you so much daddy. It hurts me that the last thing you said to me on the last day of your life was, “I love you, Rachel sweetheart, good night,” as I hugged you and kissed you before you went to sleep.
You see, mom and I were there holding your hands in ICU as you were dying in your sleep on New Year’s Eve.
We had the chance to say goodbye to you.
What really is killing me, and I think this is why you can’t stop crying right now, is-
You didn’t know at all that you were going to leave that day. I wish you got the chance to say goodbye to us.
Bye bye, Bobby Daffy Duck Romeo. I love you, dad. Goodbye forever. You were SO loved.
Love, your daughter Rachel
In loving memory of my daddy-
Robert Thomas Ahrens, “Bobby”
born September 3, 1961 – died December 31, 2020
This picture was taken on Christmas Day 2020, he never got to wear this shirt that I bought for him. Not even the black t shirt with the Starship Enterprise on it, that he promised he’d wear at a convention as a techie.
“If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.” -Linda Ellis, “The Dash”, a poem our friend in Christ, Pastor Dave, read at my father’s funeral at White Marsh Baptist Church
Exit music to say good night:
Music video that reminds me of fathers and daughters, a daughter fighting to save her dad- (this Sia video almost made me cry)
And finally, the song I should have played at the end of the memorial service, my dad’s two all-time favorite songwriters, the immortal words of Jeff Lynne and George Harrison:
("The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" from 2002 album Brainwashed removed due to copyright, sorry again, guys.)
Good night, readers, writers, nerds, and all my favorite fans. I’ll miss you. Love you all.
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