My mother is sleeping in the bedroom next to mine, pillows piled up next to her and the covers over the pillows. It's been like that since dad passed away because my dad used to sleep on the right side of the bed. Mom continues to sleep on the left side and keeps her pillows next to her on the right side, because she misses having somebody to hold.
It's the same with me, since I moved into this apartment, since my dad left the world into the great beyond of time and space. But right at the moment of that day, I couldn't sleep, I could only write.
This is just a screen shot of what I'm writing. I know it probably sucks.
I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson as I write this blog post, trying my hardest to keep my positivity alive and to drown out the losers outside who think they can hear everything that goes on in here like it's something to laugh at.
The boyfriend and I just finished watching the beginning of the movie Abominable from DreamWorks on Hulu, just before he had to leave to go home. We both totally forgot that last night we were supposed to work out SSI income from the federal government because I'm having trouble getting and keeping a job (more importantly) with my mental health still being unstable.
Bottom line- Nobody wants to hire me and keep me. The other part of this is I don't know what job- or career for that matter- is better for my well being that will actually be sufficient for my income and at least help me feel a little bit more confident. Every time I worked in administrative jobs, I realized I wasn't ever happy there, and I had trouble doing the work in an extremely fast paced environment. The one job I was proudest of were the jobs I had as an intern for a couple of free magazines. Fact number two- if you're a journalist, you have to start somewhere, and that means you may not ever get paid for your job if you start out writing for other magazines and newsletters, etc. You may have to take a second job in retail until you get to where you want and need to be.
A lot of people at my age of 33 have already found their calling, until 2020 slammed everyone into a huge disaster and now it feels like either most people want to go back to normal, or most people just want to stay home and stay cooped up forever and want nothing to do with the future because they're stuck in agoraphobia and depression.
I'm a little bit of both.
But here is where the epiphany came in one night as I was up late one night writing.
At almost 5 in the morning one night in March, I had written my first fan letter, I had sent it through the mail, finally, and I had woken up in a panic after taking my first Vraylar dose. The turning stomach scared me awake, forcing me to run to the bathroom.
But that 4 a.m. had a song playing in my ears. Was it a chord? An octave? Some kind of melody ringing? A, B, C, or E... major... key? I wasn't sure.
And after listening to the Hamilton soundtrack before 5 a.m. another night, I realized that the "Ten Duel Commandments" song had the ticking of a CLOCK in it, an actual ticking, like a stopwatch, like Charlie the German Shepherd in All Dogs Go to Heaven, only the clock stops ticking when Hamilton does his final speech at the end of "The World Was Wide Enough"- the clock stops, there is no beat, no song, no melody, no harmony, just all silence- and he dies.
That ticking of the clock... sounds very... Steampunk!
The next morning, I woke up in a panic when I could hear Maria Reynolds wailing that she needed help- the song "Say No to This", where Reynolds begs Alexander Hamilton for help, and seduces him, leading to the horrible Reynolds Pamphlet in which Eliza burns her letters...
There's something Jane Austen about that...
"I could easily forgive his pride if he had not mortified mine." -Lizzie Bennet from Pride and Prejudice, after Mr. Darcy burns her in public at their first dance: "Not handsome enough to tempt me, I am in no way tempted by ladies whom are slighted by other men... You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, you are wasting your time with me!" (-Fitzwilliam Darcy, same book, Jane Austen)
Wait, wait, hold up-- Was there a AUSTEN reference in HAMILTON???!!!! (Gasp! Plot twist!)
Also, it says in the Eliza Hamilton biography by Tilar Mazzeo that Eliza Schuyler was very similar in character to Lizzie Bennet, and when she first met Hamilton, it was Not love at first sight. It was the winter ball that did it in 1780! They had met before the grand ball!
Even better, after Alexander Hamilton's death in 1804, Eliza lived an incredible life for 50 more years into her 90s and told the story of her husband, almost living to see the Civil War period. She was kind of a... superhero!
The wheels turned in my head... It was Marina's story- THE DEBUTANTE OF CASSIOPEIA. The Aeronaut Princess was born!
And yeah, I eventually gave my old rock and roll story a second chance, renaming it Belle of the Boulevard, after one of my favorite songs by Dashboard Confessional from the olden days of college.
But the wheels are still turning in my head for one novel in particular, which is a heavier gamble:
Picture a lady who is homeless after the passing of both parents, and she's barely getting by for a couple of days, until the alien apocalypse happens. The aliens demand one thing- MUSIC- in return for sparing the lives of the human race on Earth. If they fail to prove that love and music conquers all to save the world- Earth is destroyed. And the superhero of the day- is That homeless girl, who's still in mourning, but she writes some seriously good lyrics and sings like a beautiful siren, or a mermaid for that matter. And two celebrities, one is a musician the other is a self help author and life coach and they're married- find this lady, Ciara (pronounced like Kira, it's an Irish name), and persuade her to perform one more time in three musical performances in United States, Austria, and Australia, for the performances of the century...
Presenting... LOVE AND MUSIC VS. THE UNIVERSE. My newest story, inspired by The Mitchells vs. The Machines and Vivo, both Netflix movies- but only one of them I've seen at least 100 times before we lost our subscription, the other one I've only seen trailers and clips of it, but I get the premise and the plot of it. It's cute. And kinkajous are ADORABLE!
Oh, and one more thing about Vivo- my mother is totally going to love it- Since I was very little, my mom and I bonded over Univision and Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine! Gloria Estefan lends her voice talents in Vivo, which made the both of us very excited!!!
Last thing, I'm done.
Amazing how some things hit us at the witching hours. But we all need our sleep at least every day.
Ok, I think I should be in bed.
Na night, loves!!!
-Love, Rachel
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Playlist selection- song from college that's in my head, I can't believe I'm now starting to appreciate Coldplay more than I used to. I went through a phase of hating hipsters for a long while. I actually like this song, and I now really love the song "Something Just Like This" because my mom loves the fact that it mentions superheroes. Me too, mom, love you.
Here's my favorite Coldplay song "Viva La Vida".
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