The Mindfulness of The Musical-That-Must-Not-Be-Named

Another late edition of The King of Broadway is Dead, crossover of The Doctor Is In, by Rachel Beth Ahrens. Reader Discretion is Advised for those under 16. 

Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear, doors closing, we are departing for this special The Doctor Is In Crossover with The King of Broadway is Dead. Please fasten your seatbelts and keep everything within the Tardis at all times. Please remove any objects that can become a hazardous projectile for the remainder of the ride. To prevent whiplash injury, please strap yourself in and keep your head elevated at all times in the ergonomic seat. Thank you, enjoy the show. 

*Static*Static*Static*Static*Brain Static*Static*Static*Static*Static* 

Announcer: We interrupt this post for a theatre drama test. Repeat, this is only a test. 

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... (pant pant) DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... 

Announcer: This concludes the test. Thank you and have a nice day. 

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... (le pant, le heave, le sigh) DOOOOOO... 

If you're confused as to what that video is up there, and what's it doing in my blog post, please click the link and look at the views it has on YouTube. Then watch the video where Jona, of Jona's Almost Famous, my new favorite YouTube vlogger, MEETS the creator of the show in the flesh, he calls her nerd, and then says that she's awesome for the video I've pasted into the draft of this post. 

I'm not lying. 1.5 million hits on the first video, 500,000 on this one below. Miranda saw every single one. There he is in the thumbnail, next to the two ladies who are red in the face: 

I almost want to pull out my Lily Aldrin-Eriksen voice again. Suuuuuumbiiiiiiiiitch! 

Tracy/ The Mother: "Wanna cookie?" 

And by the way, I have a secret recipe for the "Sumbitch" Cookies. They really do exist. And without making them crunchy like Tate's Cookies, I make them soft and chewy and easy on your TMJ, without scorching the sides of the cookie, as long as you've got a preheated electric oven. My special ingredient that I love to use, which makes the caramel not taste too much like toffee that sticks to your teeth: Ghirardelli sea salt caramel chocolate squares, chopped in fourths! Godiva milk chocolate caramel lions by Godiva Masterpiece works just as good, and those bars are tasty. And I have another ingredient that nobody's thought of, if you're nuking the butter to liquify it and the batter comes out too runny, but I can't tell you what that is, skippy... 

*We've always been a Skippy household and anti-Jif* (See Bruno Mars music video for "Uptown Funk") 

Alexander tried my sumbitch cookie recipe once, he LOVED them. Ate every single cookie I ever gave him. 

I still crochet, I'm making a blanket right now, I sing (but I choose NOT to sing in public, but I do like singing), I'm really good at costume designs, I'm a dog lover, I'm a decent writer (I guess?), I'm a good friend, and I'm also a pretty good cook like my dad was. Somehow I remembered my dad's recipe for shepherd's pie even better than he did: It's Worcester sauce, beef stock, ground beef, pepper, garlic salt, thyme, rosemary, vegetables, minced onion, baby red mashies, parsley and New England sharp cheddar, and with the meat filling before piling on the mashies, you pour Guinness Stout with it! The boyfriend went crazy over it, he was in love. And somehow, I think I have the makings of a good mixologist because I just came up with a new cocktail: the Anastasia On Ice, a strawberry daiquiri concoction that requires no rum at all, but uses sweet Vermouth, cranberry juice, and vanilla flavored Stolichnaya "Stoli" Russian vodka, served with white chocolate and whipped cream on top. Creamy, frothy, frozen chic. 

But I hate the fast paced move-it-or-lose-it dog-eat-dog philosophy of work ethics when it comes to finding a job. 

So I guess that means... I'm better off working as a........ homemaker? Stay-at-home housewife? 

No, I'd drive myself crazy, honestly. The one thing I hate about my agoraphobia more than anyone is that I hate being stuck at home alone with the dog. I've completely gone insane the last year and a half when COVID19 started. And if I had never met Alexander on OKCupid.com last year in May, I would have completely lost everything, including my mom, and I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Cabin fever would have literally destroyed me. Then again, I'm still afraid to go out the front door because of my dreadful fear of germs. 

There is one other thing, though. A couple of nights ago, Alexander, the love of my life, told me on Facebook that not only is there a job for me, and he was certain of it, but because of the situation with my mental illness and the grieving process for my dad, I'm not suitable to hold down a job. Yet. He expects I'll get there soon one day, and he really does hope so. He wants me to have a job very soon, but I need to get better first. I can't help but agree with him. Anthony, my evil ex, would probably disagree and tell me to change or else, and then just get back to work. 

Not only that, but today is the second week of April, April 4th was days ago, and in less than a month, it will be our one-year anniversary of the day we met online, May 4th, Star Wars Day, 2020. Almost to the day, it was two years since dad was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer before he was dubbed cancer free a year later in June 2020 when his second colonoscopy came back in the clear. Dad was diagnosed May 6, 2019, Alexander and I met May 4, 2020 in the following year, and we first met in person almost three weeks later that same month. Dad died from a massive heart attack in his sleep in surgery seven months later on December 31, seven hours before the New Year. 

And it got me thinking. Maybe it's dangerous to think all this. 

Let's take a more holistic and mindful approach to Hamilton, from a more lighthearted hopeful and self-healing side to it: 

From listening to ENOUGH of the Hamilton Soundtrack enough times straight through, and watching enough Lin-Manuel Miranda videos, and also dissecting all of this Hamilton-fan obsession type of mania, I've found out several things. 

#1- I hate, hate, hate, HATE track one: "Alexander Hamilton", the lead-in entry song to the musical. The ending of the song hurts my ears with the choir shouting "Alexander Hamilton! Alexander Hamilton! Alexander Hamilton!" And the last words at the end are the worst- "What's your name, man?" and the choir SHRIEKS really fast, Miranda says nothing but just sits there: "ALEX-ANDERHAMIL-TOOOOOOOOON!" 

Me in my Terminator voice: SHUUUUUT UUUUP! 

And yet, I really want to know why my Twitter friends have always given me the G-I-F images in their tweets that say, "Just you wait!" 

The Hamilton nerds want to convert me! HEEEEEEEEELLLLLP! They're going to brainwash me into their Hamilton-mania! Make this stop! Rescue me! Set me free! HEEEEEEEEELLLLP! 

#2- "Cheering For Me Now" still makes me do a standing ovation. I can picture the parade floats in that song. 

#3- "Helpless" is actually the first Hamilton Original Broadway Recording song that I fell in love with. Blame Jimmy Fallon and The Roots for that. It was amazing what they did while the entire country of the United States was in lockdown from Corona Virus. It's flipping beautiful. Philippa Soo as Eliza, Hamilton's wife, is unbelievable, LOVE her!!! I mean, she's a goddess, for Christ's sake- Chang'e in Over the Moon! She's beautiful! 

#3A- And by the way, the Chinese mythical legend of Chang'e inspired the plot of the movie too, where Chang'e was in love with a warrior, who she promised she'd run away with if they took the same eternal life potion together and fly away. But by accident, Chang'e took too much of the potion, and her lover was murdered in battle, while she flew away to the moon, and she lived on the moon ever since, for eternity, wishing that one day, she would be reunited with her true love. And through this myth, the people of China say that that's why the moon has phases, for when there is a New Moon, obscured by the black night sky, Chang'e is mourning for the loss of her true love. 

This sounds a lot like the story of Alexander and his love for Eliza. Alexander was a war veteran who fought in the rebellion against the English, where America gained independence. He was the head Colonel and second-in-command to General George Washington in the Battle of Yorktown where we crushed Britain for good. Alexander Hamilton also wrote in his letter, published in the Ron Chernow biography, "I wish there was a war," and it's actually a recurring lyric in a few of Miranda's songs. It also starts with the same words of a Skeelo song, "I Wish", where he wishes he could get with chicks and drive a nicer car, but he's stuck being broke and he hates it. Hamilton hated being an orphan, the child that Death left behind, he wanted to die. 

And Eliza Schuyler, the love of his life, she's the same as Chang'e in the story. She wanted her husband to, literally what the song says, "Stay alive, that would be enough." Hamilton repeats those same words in "It's Quiet Uptown" after his son, Philip, dies in his arms after another gun duel. What's with all these gun fights? 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... Gun fights are common in Baltimore City. And New York, New Jersey too. Fuuuuuuuuuu.... 

#3B- The reason why the musical has Black, Asian, Hispanic, Latino, and people of other races and nationalities playing the Founding Fathers of the government? 

#BlackLivesMatter. See above. 

Note- Rachel Beth Ahrens fully endorses Justice for George Floyd and Justice for Breonna Taylor through Hispanic Federation and Prizeo. I also endorse Trans Lives Matter for LGBTAQI and everyone in between. I have a shirt that says EVERYONE DESERVES LOVE, and I recently bought a pink shirt with the Trevor Project rainbow LOVE logo from Hot Topic to support the Trevor Project, in giving amnesty and healthcare for transgender and non binary people to have access to everything they need. 

YOU MATTER. You're human and you need to be loved and respected. I don't care what you look like, I love you anyway. 

#4- "The Room Where It Happened" is a badass song. Aaron Burr has the makings of an anti-hero, but in the manner of Dr. Jekyll mixed with Dr. Facillier in The Princess and the Frog from Disney. I can hear him whisper to Hamilton: "Talk less, smile more... I got friends on the other side..." 

#5- Back to Alexander Hamilton- The Founding Father most likely had PTSD and depression. Proof from the musical based on historical fact: "As a kid in the Caribbean, I wished for a war, I knew I was poor, I knew it was the only way to rise up..." "Sick with a fever, both half dead, bed ridden... Alexander got better, but his mother went quick... His cousin later committed suicide..." "How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot..." "If I could spare his life, if I could trade his life for mine, he'd be standing here right now, and you would smile, and that would be enough... But I'm not afraid, I know who I married, just let me stand by your side, that would be enough..." "I don't pretend to know the challenges you're facing, the worlds you keep erasing and creating in your mind..." And the really scary ones from earlier in my chapters up to now: "CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME!" and the one about President Adams: "Sit down, John, you FAT MOTHERFUUU-!" 

Let's break it down. First, we know Hamilton went through a lot of grief. At 10 years old, his father abandoned both him and his mother, couple years later, his mom died of illness after they both got sick and he got better, she didn't, few years later, he witnessed his cousin killing himself and Hamilton has all of his possessions seized, left homeless and left to die a poor destitute and starving orphan... and by this moment, he's barely a teenager at 14! 

This is what we call trauma, moral injury, depiction of suicide to a child, grief, anxiety... All of those things are textbook post-traumatic stress in the DSM-5. And get this, at the age of 14, Hamilton isn't a military soldier yet! He's just a kid writing stuff while working for a trader! So when he grows up, someone gets a hold of some of his letters, and Hamilton gets enough money to move to New York City to study at Columbia University, and that's finally when he starts his military career. 

"I wished there was a war..." -That line is a desperate suicidal thought, textbook depression. The "Sit down, John" comment where he's screaming at the new President who hates him, that's what we call MANIA. It's rage, it's anger. 

I've seen these signs before. PTSD doesn't happen to just military, and believe me, I know what that's like. My Poppi was a military man serving the Navy, and he was a Mason too. My dad, when he was alive, he might have had a form of PTSD as well, because my late grandfather was a little abusive, I can't describe it on paper, it's a little too sensitive for my mother to handle and she wants me to keep it a secret. And as for my mom, her father was an alcoholic, which makes my mom a victim of child abuse, and even worse, my grandma Joan is the worst grandma ever, because she's an awful cook and she has absolutely insane ideas of wearing clothes, she can't even decide which of my gloves looks best on one of her hands. She wore two kinds of animal print, miss-matched tops and bottoms, to my dad's funeral, she doubled up on gloves, masks, and she wore a face shield over her bird's nest of hair that she does herself in a crazy way. 

And my grandmother, Joan, this is the worst thing- she's a MAGA Republican. She LOVES Donald Trump. And she loves Jesus more than anything, always trying to suck me into a Christian cult. 

My grandmother is the Devil. Evil, evil, evil witch. 

What do you think that makes someone like me? Especially with the hell that evil old lady witch put me through? I've always seen grandparents as mean, terrible toads to me, except for two of them- my grandpa Joe, mom's dad, who died from triple bypass and cirrhosis, and my dad's mom, grandma Catie Liz, who died from lung cancer. My grandpa, my mom's dad, was the first grandparent to die, 54 years old, I was only seven. I can only imagine Hamilton's anguish and despair over how his parents treated him up until his father disappeared. Worse is, my grandpa's funeral was open-casket, and I had to go with my mom to pay our respects. My mom was a mess. My Aunt Jenny was a wreck. They missed their daddy, as much as I miss mine right now. 

I'm thinking of how much I'm desperate for a father figure. Alexander has none either, for his dad passed when he was five, his brother only a baby, and his mom never knew her father because she was born to a single mom who abandoned her in Germany. I also never got to meet Alexander's grandmother, Oma, because she was always in and out of the hospital. She passed away on Inauguration Day 2021 this January, complications from dementia. That's a coincidence, though. Dad died on New Year's, his grandma died when Biden was sworn in as President, just before people swore things were going to get better. My dad voted for Joe Biden in the final days of his life. 

There is a reason why I can't stop dreaming of embarrassing nightmares, some more cruel than others. 

I have post-traumatic stress disorder on top of the bipolar, anxiety, and agoraphobia. Happy early birthday, Rachel. 

And finally, this video almost moved me to tears. And I could have sworn that Lin-Manuel Miranda, wearing the most luxurious white suit and a gold medal on a rainbow ribbon, was crying hysterically at the end. Because he made Hamilton, and because the Library of Congress was celebrating him with the President and First Lady of the United States. It was the Kennedy Center Honors Awards night. 

"Teach me how to say goodbye..." 

Christopher Jackson, as President Washington, quotes the Bible in the last half of the song, and says those words above, while Alexander Hamilton is taking dictation. Hamilton is still stunned by the fact that Washington doesn't want to be President anymore, that he wants to retire. Hamilton doesn't want him to leave, especially because there are too many people on his bad side, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, to name three, and Aaron Burr, who kills him in the end! And they all work in the President's room- the room where it happens. 

But here's the killer- Hamilton never had a dad. Washington never had a son. They were close to the only family they had. They have one last drink in this song while Hamilton writes Washington's final address to tell the people to move on without him. And years later, George Washington sends his very last letter to Hamilton, and a few days later, dies in peace at his home. This is honestly the most perfect and beautiful ending to any character in a show. 

The last song that Hamilton sings in Act 2, "The World is Wide Enough", it's actually a soliloquy, where he's basically quoting all the songs in the past, from "My Shot" to "One Last Time" back to "It's Quiet Uptown" and... The songs intertwine with each other, there really isn't time for a reprise of just any song to do a verse of it over, the show needs to wrap up quickly, like this poor post as I'm writing this at 4:30 in the morning and I need to be in bed. 

And Hamilton says: "I imagine death as if it's more than just a memory, when's it gonna get me... Burr, my first friend, my enemy??? ...Rise up, eyes up- my son is on the other side, he's with my mother on the other side, Washington's fighting on the other side... Teach me how to say goodbye!" 

He's going through so much trauma and emotion in this final stance, before he begins weeping, puts his pistol at the sky, and sobs, "Raise a glass to freedom!" 

He fires his gun, Aaron Burr shoots him, and Alexander Hamilton collapses, awaiting the doctor. But hours later, it becomes infected, he's rowed back to Greenwich with his wife and sister in law, and the next morning, Hamilton dies next to his wife. 

This musical is a LOT about fathers. Not to mention, I made a joke about the ten dollar bill MY Alexander used to pay the tip on our check at the 50s diner we went to for dinner. 

It's starting, guys. It has begun. 

Start the clock. 

My entrance into Hamilton-obsession is going to be clocked with an oven timer. 

But like so many in the musical, and so many Broadway nerds before me who fell in love with this show, I miss my dad very much. My mom is even lonelier than me because when I leave home to go on a date or something, mom gets depressed inside because she's never felt more alone in her life without dad. 

Daddy, teach me how to say goodbye. 

Until I get Disney +, or until I can get tickets to New York or The Hippodrome, whichever I can access better... You may not see what happens to me regarding Hamilton. But after that, who knows. I think I may be converted anyway. 

Bobby Ahrens, take your time, have fun over the rainbow bridge. I'll see you on the other side. I love you, daddy bear. 

Na-night. 

-The Lady in the Blue Box. 

Lin-Manuel, te quiero mucho. Siempre. 

Update: I'm taking a short sabbatical from listening to the Hamilton Soundtrack, because some of the songs, namely "Ten Duel Commandments" and "Stay Alive", have all triggered some very bad thoughts and bad memories of some very traumatic themes of almost getting into fights with people in public where I was threatened to "Let's take this outside! Imma beat the shit out of you!" 

I've combatted this issue by talking to my boyfriend about it early this morning, and I've also seen a mindfulness episode on anger from HeadSpace on Netflix. It seems to be working. 

The next episode will be on In The Heights! Movie comes out June 11 this year, a week early! And Variety Magazine has done a cover story on the movie, interviewing both Jon M. Chu (director, Crazy Rich Asians, Step Up, and Now You See Me, ALL of them I love!) and Lin-Manuel Miranda himself. Beautiful job, babes! 

Playlist selection- I almost want to do a mashup of these two songs together, or something similar, but I don't know how they'd both work. Two songs from two songwriters that wrote musicals in the same year, 2015. :D 

The first one is sung by guest star Alicia Keys: 

Two for Camp NaNo- All Aboard

Since November 2020, the very last Thanksgiving I had with my dad, I now want to get back into writing again, so much that I'm actually working on two projects at the same time. 

And my new ideas are just chugging along like a train. Funny, but a Metro train station stop? That's the theme of Camp NaNoWriMo this year for April. 

-these are from the store's website on nanowrimo.org. 

"Stand clear, doors closing, next station stop... YOUR NOVEL!" 

For the first time in the world, I miss hearing those words. It makes me sad that I haven't been on the Metro or the Light Rail in two years. 

I've also announced in my own ASMR video while reading some Jane Austen that I'm working on two novels simultaneously. 

There's just one issue. I need a nonfiction book to do some research on one of the books I'm writing. The new tale of The Debutante of Cassiopeia is a historical fiction. Takes place in 1820, three years after Jane Austen's death, few years before King George dies and Victoria becomes Queen of England. And one of the characters is actually alive during that time, as a widow, and she's a very kind sweet person who takes care of my protagonist Marina like a mother figure. The story shows that love does not know age, even though Marina is left destitute when her mother suddenly dies when she's 27 years old and unmarried, rejected by every eligible bachelor in Danvers, Mass. What she doesn't know is Miss Marina Dublin has never been on an airship (it has a little bit of steampunk quality to it) and she's about to, with possibly the man of her dreams, who saved her from being an advanced orphan in poverty. 

And the old widow Aunt Eliza, who helped Marina's love find a forever home and become a wealthy captain, is in fact the same Eliza who was married to the aide du campe of General Washington, and the first U.S. Secretary of Treasury... 

I need this book for research on her: 

Boyfriend bought it online, it's on its way already, coming by mail by Saturday. 

And somehow, I can hear the voices of the fan-people of the musical say: "Hamilton is in your BOOK! Do it! Do it! Do It! DO IT!" "One of us! One of us! One! Of! Us!" 

Yikes. I am so much in trouble. 

To clarify, if this isn't clear enough on my Twitter profile: I am STILL a Hamilton skeptic, but I'm slowly warming to the idea that it's actually a very good musical and it's inspiring. 

Hamilton fans, I am what you call a Lin-Manuel Miranda skeptic who is converting to your fandom. That's why I tweet so much about it, that's why I sent him that powerful inspiring poem. 

But I'm pretty sure he didn't get it because he's too busy. His Twitter is being handled by his professional team of agents and lawyers, he's not responding to anything, they did lock up his phone as he said in his book Gmorning, Gnight, even though his Gmorning's and Gnight's are my favorite things I get on my computer every day to lift my spirits, and they help me feel better about life, and my father's passing. Now I have to turn to the Hamilton Broadway Cast Soundtrack on my MP3 application of choice iTunes to help nullify the pain and depression. What I'm feeling inside is much like the jack-in-the-boxes in the Katy Perry music video below in the Playlist Selection, "Smile" from her new album released 2020, after the birth of her daughter, Daisy. 

Also, if you notice in the music video of "Smile", it's a big boy/girl reveal video to show you if Katy Perry is having a boy or girl at the end. She was around seven months pregnant when she filmed the video, and she's playing this cutesy carnival-circus video game that's basically all about defeating mental illness and still having hope for her emotional health. The frog she kisses that turns into a prince in the video game, is actually in the form of Orlando Bloom, who she plans to marry, and is the father of her child! The big reveal of the gender of the baby she's having is at the end of the video game where she defeats the evil spider by making the spider laugh in throwing the pie in the clown's own face. The sparkles fly and turns into a teeny tiny little girl as big as Thumbelina, and is almost a mirror image of Katy Perry's clown image of herself, meaning that she's having a little girl. And in her joy and her own positive way, to keep her spirits alive, Perry takes her own pie and smashes it on her face, still smiling with pride. 

If that doesn't inspire you, I don't know what else would. 

With that in mind, there's the second story idea I've been playing with since college. Since it went off the air several years ago, I've been dragging it through the mud to motivate myself to write the rewrite of the ending to How I Met Your Mother, where Tracy doesn't die and Ted and Tracy are in love forever. And make it look nothing like that sad ending or the ending to the Abigail Breslin movie Definitely, Maybe where Ryan Reynolds ends up divorced anyway because he's still in love with April, played beautifully by fellow redhead Isla Fisher. I really didn't like Rachel Weis's character either, and definitely not the mother Emily, who we find out cheated on him at first, finding this out when Reynolds proposes to her. 

I was originally writing a pilot romcom sitcom called Room for Rent, but it ended up being scrapped many times since I graduated from Towson University. Then, years later in 2020, I found an excuse to rewrite it at last, if not as a pilot script for television, I realized it would actually be a much better novel. 

Inspired by the phrase invented by my ride-or-die best friend Kerensa Hayes, "Best friends lace each other's corsets for a big date," the novel in question is called The Corset Pact, the story of Ally, the steampunk/ saloon girl/ plague doctor loving best girl-friend who's about to get married to Nick, the dark skinned handsome dude's dude from Boston, Calliope, the gender non-conforming fashionista with a love of fabrics and making costumes and waiting for the chance they will meet RuPaul, and Charlotte, Charlie for short, the nerdy hero of the story, a normal girl from Baltimore who's disillusioned since her parents died in the times of COVID19 while her friends are displaced, and her dreams and hopes are shot down by the modern times of despair and evilness in the world, and thinks she has nowhere to go but down. 

Until Calliope gives her a bet that Charlie can find her Prince Charming on an online dating site, and if she does, she'll be forced to go watch the Broadway musical she hates, which Calliope wants to convert Charlie to love the musical. The play in question: American Star: A musical about the birth of the National Anthem, which takes place during the aftermath of the Revolutionary War and goes into the War of 1812, talking about the biography of Francis Scott Key, a prisoner of war by the British Navy, and Maryland-native lawyer who writes songs. Not just any songs, Francis Scott Key made the biggest contribution to the United States in the history of his life: "The Star-Spangled Banner", our National Anthem. Basically, it's a version of Hamilton with a happy ending, in the manner of The Greatest Showman, the musical about the life of P.T. Barnum, inventor of the American circus, The Greatest Show on Earth, better known as Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus. 

I've got songs from that soundtrack too. "A Million Dreams", "Rewrite the Stars" featuring Zendaya and Zac Efron, and "Never Enough" are my all time favorites. Zendaya and the opera singer Jenny Lind are my favorite parts of the movie, they're so beautiful. 

I almost sang "Never Enough", the Jenny Lind song, at CCBC Essex for a talent show before COVID happened and I dropped out of school this year. I doubt I can sing that song now. 

Question for Miranda- Why does every single Award-winning Broadway musical have to end sad and depressing where somebody dies? Why did that specific musical win more than your previous success In the Heights? I thought In the Heights was inspiring and even more beautiful, in a very cultural sense. I love the romantic relationship between Benny and Nina, like a 21st century Romeo and Juliet because their parents want Nina to marry someone Latino, but she's in love with Benny more. And Benny is just awesome, there is no bounds to his awesomeness or cuteness: "You still ain't got no skills!" Love it! It's also a great message about how home is where you dream at night, and wherever you dream, you're home, it doesn't matter where home is. FLAWLESS. 

But why does Hamilton have to be better than that, and why is it better than Waitress? I want to know, I'm trying to understand it, which is why I want to see the musical for real. I have the Keri Russell movie Waitress and I have Sara Bareilles's masterpiece of a soundtrack, I already know why it should have won an award. But I still don't understand why Hamilton deserved it more. That's why I bought the soundtrack and listened to it straight through twice, then broke it up into parts so I can take it in stride without context and without getting too emotional. It is a powerful thing, you're right about that. Maybe I'm wrong! Maybe I will end up liking it! 

But I love you no less. I ADORE your work, especially Mary Poppins and In the Heights most of all. And like I told you, "Helpless" was the first original soundtrack song I ever listened to, blame Jimmy Fallon, and I fell in love with it within the first 30 seconds of the video of you guys singing it. Can't wait anymore for June 11, 2021! So close now! 

So far, I'm almost halfway through writing to my 30,000 word goal. I probably have to up the word count right now, though, it's only the first week. I must be out of my mind. 

I have writing fever. 

Second COVID19 vaccine I'm getting at the end of April. Three weeks away. 

I think I'm losing it over this. 

As the song that's playing on my iTunes right now, a vintage Katy Perry classic again: "Every bone's been broken, my heart is still wide open, I can't stop- don't care if I lose... These wounds are self-inflicted..." 

Na-night. Rock and roll on, guys. 

-Lady in the Blue Box 

Update: Now at 11,000 words at 6 a.m. this morning. I hope I do my writing much earlier and go to sleep better without causing a ruckus when I forget shit. Yuuuuuhhhhhchghhchchcghghghhhhh. 

Playlist Selection- It's a Katy Perry day for me today. "Talk less, SMILE more." (Aaron Burr, Leslie Odom Jr.) 

Raise a Glass to My Dad, and Freedom

Three months. From December 31 to March. 

Now it's April. 

I got my COVID19 vaccine a few days ago, my second dose is in four weeks. Moderna vaccine side effects have worn off. Camp NaNoWriMo just started. And I'm listening to the beautiful sounds of Zendaya on my newest playlist on my iTunes library. I just added it to my iPod. 

And I woke up today thinking dad is home, and he's safe. Until after turning down my blanket, I realized dad's gone. Better not tell mom. 

But it feels awkward. 

But after playing the first half of the Hamilton playlist while working, I actually feel mellow. I feel numb. I feel pretty much human. 

And when I see my @RachelBeth99 Twitter profile, I notice my pinned tweet. 

Since I pinned that tweet to my profile, I watched the entire interview and got all the way to the end, even though it took me a couple days, because there is no way I can sit through an entire one hour interview for that long. 

But really, this is how it all started from the beginning, of why I put down the Hamilton soundtrack, then listened to it again straight through. Again. And again. Then made this playlist. 

It started with this video. 

It also reminded me of the Stephen Colbert interview on Late Show where he talked about Anthony Bourdain in his book about self affirmations, self care, and hope. That was G'morning, G'night, and it ended up being the book that saved my life too. 

But my search and journey of research brought me to this. The musical Hamilton is actually saving me grief, getting me to laugh again, and helping me get through my dad passing away from heart complications in his sleep while he was in surgery. 

Like Alicia Keys helped Sampha with the loss of his mother with her story of the birth of her son, writing the song "3 Hour Drive" in the documentary episode of the Netflix series Song Exploder, I feel like this is going to help me with losing my dad. At the time Hamilton was on Broadway, Lin-Manuel Miranda's wife was pregnant, and she had her first son. It was Miranda's first time being a father, which might have become hard on him to perform as Founding Father Alexander Hamilton because of the emotional scenes in Act II. Such as, the scene where Hamilton's firstborn son, Philip, his favorite son, dies at 19 years old in a duel, and also the scene where Hamilton is contemplating "how to say goodbye" when he's faced with his own death at the hand of former Vice President Aaron Burr. 

Even the song "One Last Time" kind of gets me because President George Washington was much like a second father to Alexander Hamilton, especially since Hamilton's mother was abandoned by his father when he was very little, and then orphaned at 14. In another interview, Lin-Manuel Miranda said, "They both got sick, he survived, she never got better. Hamilton was faced with death every day of his life." 

This is all backed by biographers and historians. The musical is historical fiction, but it is a precursor to facts in our own American history. U.S. history and world history were two of my mom's favorite subjects, my boyfriend's too. 

It kind of reminds me of the relationship between fathers and sons, or fathers and daughters, in my case. It gets pretty emotional for me, like the song I mentioned in my previous post, which goes, "Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem, here's to the hearts that ache, here's to the mess we make..." It's from La La Land, my favorite song from that movie, of course. Also written like a Broadway musical, but still a normal Hollywood movie that has Ryan Gosling. But I do love Emma Stone. 

But still, this interview left them all behind. In the video, the first thing he does when he sits down in front of Chris Jones, Miranda takes off his shoes because he says he's more "honest" and more likely "to tell the truth more" with his shoes off and sitting down in just jeans, t shirt, suit jacket, and socks. That's really what he does in an interview. 

Hey! Make yourself at home! That's fine with me. Also, I always write with my shoes off when I'm home! I never wear shoes in my own house... or apartment... home, call it what you will, I'm running around in socks all the time when I'm writing on my bed, I have no real desk, I have a tiny fold out table. I want a real writing desk, dammit. 

Anyway, here are the highlights that Miranda said that actually, dun dun dahhhhhh, PROVED my thoughts discussed in King of Broadway is Dead correct: 

In the video above, he takes off his shoes at 8:55. 

At 9:56, he says that the Broadway theatre was a madhouse the very last month of the Original Cast production before Miranda left the Richard Rodgers stage for the last time. He had to make an incognito escape through the adjacent theatre playing Shuffle Along on 45th Street, because of the barricade that he was afraid of: "It became very unsafe for me to leave through the stage door. I'd have little kids in the front, and even if I said, 'Please don't rush,' I'd see those kids get crushed." (Awwww, poor guy! I feel for you. Those poor children.) 

11:37- Here it is, guys: "I think the moment I realized this thing is a musical was towards the end of the second chapter (Ron Chernow's biography). Chernow posts one of the first writings of Hamilton, who's about 14 years old, all of what you listed has already happened, and he writes a letter to his good friend Ned Stevens. And he says... and I'm paraphrasing... 'I may be said to be building castles in the air, and I hope you won't think less of me. But we have seen such schemes successful when the projector is constant. I shall conclude by saying that I wish there was a war.' And that's the best musical character you can hope for!" 

That's the rap music part, guys, the DMX, the Eminem, Skeelo's "I Wish", LLCoolJ, Jay-Z, all of it in one sentence: "...such schemes successful when the projector is constant... I wish there was a war." 

Rise up. And his right hand man. Boom. 

Uhhhhhhhh..... 

12:41: "It's that drive, that irrepressible drive... That kind of idealism... 'I'm not gonna stop until I get the thing I'm imagining in my head.' And then, what undercuts it is that sentence, '...I wish there was a war," which is the most adolescent thing ever written. But it also speaks to his awareness of his situation. He's broke and he's from nowhere, and the only way to rise, when you're in that position, is military glory." 

Hey, Ginger, sound familiar to you??? 

"Please, sir, I want some more..." 

I was in that musical. Twice. When my dad played Mr. Bumble in community theatre, and the second time junior year of high school. I really wanted to play this character, though: 

But instead, I was in the back of the choir. Same when I was in our senior year production, Bye Bye, Birdie. In an interview with the Rockefeller Foundation, Lin-Manuel Miranda played the role of Conrad Birdie in a gold jacket his grandma made for him in his high school play. 

I was Nancy in "The Telephone Hour". I sang a solo in one song. And during "Sincere", I adlibbed only one line that was not in the script: "MARRY ME!" And in the Ed Sullivan Show scene, I used to have a Marry Me, Conrad poster I made out of pink construction paper and colored pencils, and it's now starting to fade. 

I was the best actress in Perry Hall High School that nobody's heard of. There is no way in hell I'll ever live that down, for I was most well known as "Most Dramatic" because I was being called a flighty crazy bitch for threatening people if they bullied me and called me names like stupid bitch and Rolling Rachel or Pippi Longstocking because my bangs curled out like hangers, which is why I grew out my bangs a long time ago. Even though my dad loved my bangs. 

So why did I have no date to prom? Why do you think my only option was to go with a group of friends who shoved me with someone who bullied me in 9th grade Spanish class, who I still hate to this day because he practically ruined prom for me with his stupid apology, "Sorry I didn't get you a corsage, Rachel, but I guess I'm your date," before I gave him a look that could kill? 

Because they all hated me! I tried and tried to convince my dad to see my side, he didn't, because he kept saying, "They are teasing you because they LIKE you!" 

Bull. Shit. They hated me! The only friends from high school I still have are Rose Davis, who's a year younger than me, and Josh Blaine, a year older, from middle school. 

I guess that's why I say in my song: "Everyone is married, everyone is married, what do I do when all my friends wanna have babies... Everyone is married, what do I do when I'm the only single lady?" This is sung in a sing-song fashion, but kind of in the same style of Meghan Trainor. Think "Dear Future Husband" but in an angrier feminist way where the girl ends up being, "Leave me alone, Prince Charming, you lazy bum of an asshole, you're too late, I'm gonna be so much happier being single! I don't need a man! Being single's better than being married! HA HA! Down with men!" 

But after my dad died, I took a very hard look at life, a look at COVID19, and I started thinking terrible thoughts, really bad ones that kept me up almost all night long. 

I don't want to be alone. I want to wake up next to a cuddly someone. Someone full of light and love and sweetness. I want someone to hold me when I have a nightmare and tell me I'm going to be ok. 

It also made me realize that millions all over the world died of Corona Virus, so many died of other problems too. And I never gave my dad a son-in-law. My dad would have been THE BEST GRANDPA IN THE WORLD. My dad is never going to see his grandchildren. I wish I still had grandparents. 

So in a few years, I want to be married. And I want to get pregnant. I want to be a mom one day. I feel so cathartic with Eliza Hamilton right now. 

Also, this speech in the same video kills me: 

13:45- "Well, he's succeeded... The next four presidents do not have a ton of love for Alexander Hamilton. There's John Adams, who he wrote a screed against while he was in office. Then comes Thomas Jefferson, his best friend- said no one, ever. Then James Madison, his other 'best friend', who actually was friends with him for a time, but then fell into political disagreements with him... Then John Quincy Adams, the son of the guy he talked smack about! So that's four people in charge of the country who don't want to see this guy remembered well. So, it drives home the lesson, which is, it's not even about what you do in your life; it's about who survives you. And you could have done incredible things in your life and career, but if those in your life don't tell your story, it's like it never happened." 

Chris Jones: "Can you not worry about it?" 

Lin-Manuel Miranda: "You can't worry about it. I can't worry about it! I don't think you can either- you have your writings, you will have your incredible reviews... You know, the takeaway, we end Hamilton with Hamilton's extraordinary wife, Eliza, who lives another half-century, who does incredible things in her own right, and dedicates herself to his legacy. And it's even more tragic in real life, she's pushing her kids to write the definitive biography on her husband. She passes away before that project is done, so she never leaves to see that happen. One of her sons does eventually write the biography, but she doesn't live to see it. So, we also are survived by the people who love us. and tell stories about us, and keep our love alive. I think about it every time I see one of Roger Ebert's wife's tweets! (applause) I was a film nerd before I was a theatre nerd! And I would read the entire book of reviews every year when it was updated every year. I could recite his no-star review of North by Rob Reiner, which is one of the best written destructions of a movie I've ever read! And that's how we're survived, by the people who love us and tell our stories." 

Holy shit. That's how Jane Austen got published! She never married, never had children, how did her stories get printed? How did they get into bookstores? Her brother Henry did that. And her sister Cassandra also helped her with writing the final words of Persuasion, Sanditon, and The Watsons, but the last two novels I mentioned were never finished because Jane Austen died too young of an illness that was most likely Addison's. 

And finally, the mention of Aaron Burr and Mozart in Amadeus. Miranda is a film nerd, so of course he saw the Milos Forman movie about Mozart and Salieri, I KNEW IT! 

16:43- "By the way, we all don't know when we're going to die. So, it becomes about, how do you respond to that news? How often are you aware of that fact? And I think Hamilton and Burr were both people who were acutely aware of it and responded to it in different ways. And so, in constructing their relationship, we look to models but there isn't really one... It's not a pursuant and pursued, it's not Salieri and Mozart, because they're both equally brilliant men. It's not one's edifice of the other's genius. (YES! That's what I said in the Mozart episode!) It's one's edifice of the other's temperament." 

That's what led me to that tweet at the beginning of the post. 

And then, my dear friend Grace, who writes historical fiction and is a humongous Hamilton nerd, said this on the Twitter: 

No. No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

What have I done! I hath created a monster!!! I'm doomed, I tell you, doomed. 

The musical I thought I was going to hate actually turned around and said, "I can heal you of your wounds. Let me show you..." 

Lesson learned. Sometimes musicals like this can help you heal from grief and bereavement. Because it's that level of catharsis, love, hope, and healing that can mend my soul after my dad passed away. 

Lin-Manuel Miranda, I adore you. You made me fall in love with Broadway musicals all over again. You also turned me into a Hamilton fan by force, despite the fact that I resisted and resisted you over and over. 

I owe you a huge debt. You saved my life. You are beautiful. Gracias por vida. Te quiero, siempre. 

I'll see you when In the Heights comes out in theatres. I'm really excited, I'll be first in line to get a movie ticket. 

G'night. Oiche mhaith. Slainte. 

-The Lady in the Blue Box 

P.S. If you want to read the actual letter that I sent by fan mail to THE Lin-Manuel Miranda himself, it's written in poetry format, and you can find it in this link >>> 

Love you, Twittervale! 

Playlist selection- This is probably my favorite recording of Common's style of rap, and I'm a big Ingrid Michaelson fan, she's friends with Sara Bareilles and they both got their big break in the music industry at the same time, almost. 

This is also on the All Things Considered Hamilton playlist, and on my iPod that has even more songs contributing to the "Lin-Manuel Miranda 2020 Tribute" playlist, which also includes music from In the Heights, Jimmy Fallon and The Roots, Pharrell, Daft Punk, Justin Timberlake, Karmin, and more. 

Here's to the Fools Who Dream and Hearts that Ache

Hey. 

It's been a grieving period for me. 

I know it's been months. And when I tried to post something on WordPress, this is what happened out of completely nowhere: 

This is why I've turned off Wordpress for good and I'm now going back to Blogger where I belong. 

Few reasons why: #1- Blogging for writers should be done with a computer only. You should NEVER write a blog with your phone or you will waste way too much time and hurt your eyes in doing so. It's much easier doing it with a big screen and an actual keyboard. #2- Nostalgia, people like me who prefer classic notebooks like Moleskines or even writing books you get at the Dollar Store, even those composition books, are much better than typing. Typing with an old school typewriter is super classy, but also expensive since typewriters are rare and hard to repair and clean. That said, it would be best for 21st century technology's sake that we write on laptops and desktop computers to fit in with the other people without looking weird. We prefer that a phone be used for only TWO (2) things: making phone calls, and using GPS satellites to find the closest location of a library or a book party. And that's it! 

And finally, #3- I. Hate. Hate. HATE. SMARTPHONES! I think reading a long blog or writing one is just plain DUMB. It's just as dumb as reading a book on a teeny tiny phone that is in no way the size of a Kindle tablet or an iPad! Don't you actually miss the smell of the paper and the texture of a paperback book, or even better, the smooth leather binding of a classic author hardcover book, like that of Gulliver's Travels? 

I do. My boyfriend also likes that about me, and books. He loves holding a book in his hand rather than using a machine to read one of those. It's certainly better than dating women on a dating site, and he's glad he met me, enough to throw machines away. 

Too many things changed over the years, and that includes Blogger too. You're actually not allowed to log in to Blogger unless you're signed up to Google. 

And this used to be my original Blogger account when I was in college in 2008, under the profile name Rachel: https://www.blogger.com/profile/03730834518872200545 

And these are the blogs that went with that profile too, if you remember back to 2010: 

Rock the Presses (rock music journalism) 

The Little Voice (opinion) 

This American Campus (college life quirky journalism, personal interest stories, like NPR's This American Life with Ira Glass) 

And finally, Baltimore Vinyl Magazine, which was my first attempt at starting my own local rock band music magazine in Maryland, but it failed tremendously. :( 

I wrote all of those from the comfort of my college, Towson University, my first years as a transfer student, around the time I met my best friend, my ride-or-die girl-friend forever, Kerensa Hayes, who recently moved to Oregon, being displaced by the wretched disease plague. She's now into her newfound hobby of making funny plague doctor costumes for herself after watching some plague doctor TikTok videos for laughs and finding a new obsession of MadTV's cartoon, Spy vs Spy. 

By the way, her costume-cosplay expertise is growing tremendously. She's getting GOOD at making these incredible elaborate steampunk costumes. Totally rocks. 

Then again, I feel like Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother when he mixes karaoke with drinking too much Bourbon. 

See what I mean? I can't even beatbox to save my life either, I'd be horrible at it too, like the kids in that movie The Griffin, which I saw once in Spanish class in high school. 

But what really sucks even more is I can't even import everything from the other WordPress blogs like Loveism Weekly and so on from their websites, I'd either have to copy and paste everything or import from my Word documents. Without the formatting I tend to do with WordPress, including putting in the photos and videos that I didn't used to do with Blogger. Now that I see that Blogger has upgraded to the Google package, everything looks a little cleaner and simpler, and you can still post with videos and pictures, etc. Still, I basically have to do everything by hand. 

With that in mind, let's get back to work and back to business. 

Coming up in a matter of hours is my announcement for Camp NaNoWriMo that I am doing this year, including my two new projects that I'm doing in April simultaneously. Yes, that's right, it's a two-fer month for NaNo! I'm writing two projects for the price of one this month! 

And then, much as it pains me to say it, there's this guy again. Why oh why is he living rent free in my head??? 

 

"Wha's yo name!" "ALEXANDER HAMILTON! ALEXANDER HAMILTON! ALEXANDER HAMILTOOOOOON!" 

THE NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE! MAKE IT STOP! SET ME FREEEEEEE! 

I'm in paaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiin... 

Yeah, I'll go into that later. But in case any of you are wondering why I'm posting about Hamilton and Lin Miranda again, there is a very good reason, It's actually very therapeutic, there is a reason that intertwines with ASMR because of Lin-Manuel's soothing voice, the soundtracks of La La Land and The Greatest Showman, ok, Waitress too, and bringing it all together because of these words I'm going to say right this instant that is probably going to make me regret it the rest of my life... 

I think Hamilton the Broadway Musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda is actually helping me through the grieving process for my father's death on New Year's Eve in December, 2020. 

Shocking. Wow. 

I will post again, hopefully before the Easter holiday so I can rest and eat breakfast for dinner with my sweet man. 

Did I mention that because I mentioned my love for War of 1812 stuff, pirates, Jane Austen, and bringing up the true history of the Revolutionary War and Hamilton's biography, my amazing and handsome boyfriend Alexander is now interested in learning about the American Revolution? I did mention Alexander is a lover of all things history, especially war history, right??? 

Ehhhh boy. 

Right this way, mi-dahhhlins... I am keeping the same name as before, Lady in the Blue Box, to keep all of my writings intact. The only change is my domain name, which will be on blogspot.com. 

Welcome back again!!!! I love you! 

-The Lady in the Blue Box 

Playlist selection- a message to my younger self, warning her of what's to come. It's also my favorite Lily Allen song.